Big Brother's 'hot girl’ gets brutally trashed
Hot and tall people have had it too easy for too long and a pair of brave women in the Big Brother mansion make a stand on Wednesday night when they spend hours tearing strips off a hot new girl who enters as an intruder.
If you're hot and tall, your time is up. Thanks to these two courageous ladies, your tricks have been exposed and we will no longer just let you stride through life being all tall and hot. Enough is enough.
It's not the only lion-hearted act we witness tonight. In times of darkness and struggle, only the valiant are able to stand up and issue a call to arms. Angela marches into the diary room and confronts Big Brother with a heartfelt message that makes us all take notice.
"I want food! I love food! Everyone here wants food. We are not even pooping! Poop!" she sobs, offering a slam-dunk monologue that rivals Julia Gillard's infamous misogyny speech.
New housemates are introduced tonight and, after having to meet all the contestants as they arrived one-by-one over the past two episodes, Sonia Kruger decides something needs to change.
Fed up with having to make awkward small talk, she locks the new intruders in a cage and borrows a crane from a nearby construction site to winch them into the backyard of the mansion. It would have been fun if producers filled the pool with crocodiles and had Sonia just dump the cage into the water, but that's hindsight.
This chick called Sarah loves scrunchies and she has a lot of thoughts about the new housemates when she recognises one of them in the cage.
"Oh my god, one of the girls was in my interview and she was a real try-hard," she whispers to someone.
"The hot one?" someone asks, and we will now refer to this new girl exclusively as The Hot One.
"Yeah, a real try-hard. I don't want her in here," Sarah groans.
What does The Hot One look like?
"This one girl was in my group interview and she's someone I was dreading. Just because you're tall and beautiful doesn't mean you get a step ahead of me," Sarah continues to spit.
It's around now we see flashback footage of the audition and we immediately understand what Sarah is complaining about. Ugh, look at The Hot One - just standing there, being all tall and stuff. Go be hot and tall somewhere else because we don't want ya! Stupid hot and tall people. They think they own the world.
Sarah isn't done sledging The Hot One, so she runs to the diary room to vent and we find out The Hot One's real name is Hannah. Ugh, typical. That's such a hot tall person's name.
"Big Brother, I need to have a stern chat with you. The one person I did not want coming in was Hannah," she says. "I've met her before and she just grinds my gears. Like, she tried to steal the spotlight and … she's just a try-hard. Don't get me wrong, I like people so much. But I just don't like people like her. I think she just rubbed me off on the wrong foot."
I've had my fair share of dealings with hot tall people and I completely understand. Hot tall people are always rubbing off on the wrong foot. It's their thing. They think they're above the rules.
Somewhere along the way, Sarah has decided Hannah is her arch nemesis. It doesn't make sense but, when it comes to enemies, sometimes there's just no explanation. My arch nemesis is an old lady who works at Coles. It's not clear what her exact job is, she just stands in everyone's way at the check-outs and guards the bags so you have to talk to her. We've been locked in a feud for years.
"She was in my group. She wasn't very nice … she was so rude," Sarah breathlessly tells the other housemates. "She just stood in front of everyone and tried to be the centre of attention. She chucked everyone under the bus."
We then see the audition footage and catch Sarah out in her scheme. Hannah is not being rude - she's just telling a boring story about shot-put. Now, it's an excruciatingly tedious story to listen to - but she's not being rude. If I had a choice, I'd rather someone be rude to me than trap me in a conversation where they crap on about a boring shot-put story.
Still, Sarah is convinced Hannah is the worst and promptly lays the groundwork to turn the entire house against her. Talia is the first to join in on the sledging.
"I don't like Hannah. I feel like she's the type of girl who'd get intimidated by really pretty people," she mutters.
Hannah tries her hardest to win over Talia but her mind is already made up.
"You've got great boobs!" Hannah gushes to Talia, trying to compliment her before offering to share clothes.
Talia rolls her eyes and walks into the bedroom to start untangling that Borat bikini she wore yesterday.
For the elimination challenge, Talia and Sarah continue their mean girl alliance and take down everyone in their path. Their success means they get to choose the three housemates up for eviction. Of course they choose The Hot One. Then they nominate Marissa and new intruder SooBong, just for kicks.
"People are gonna ask why we voted for Hannah," Sarah tells Talia.
"I'll say she's a bitch. I hate her," she shrugs. "She's a bitch. She's walking around thinking she owns the house. Bitch, this is my house welcome to it."
Just wow. You compliment someone's boobs and this is how they repay you.
Meanwhile, Marissa - that elderly aerobics instructor - starts spiralling out of control. The nomination has sent her into a spin and she paces around the house, opening and closing cabinets and slamming doors.
"I call it how I see it, I say it how it is and if you don't like the truth, get out of the kitchen," she says, mixing together a number of sayings to really articulate her point.
"Guys, I just wanna say, I'm not going to scramble, because that's not me," she says, scrambling.
Angela doesn't know what the hell has been going on for the past four hours. She has been rewarded with tea bags and we're a little bit sad to see the end of this plot line.
When it comes time for everyone to vote, they choose the old guy with the insane muscles.
Of course this means The Hot One stays. It's no surprise, really. Tall hot people always have a way of getting what they want.
How will she fare? Will she continue to get people off-side with her hotness? Perhaps more people will feel personally attacked by her tremendous height. We have no doubt she will just stride around on her long legs, rubbing off on the wrong foot of everyone she comes in contact with.
It's what they do. Those hot tall people are all the same. They must be stopped.
Originally published as Big Brother's 'hot girl' gets brutally trashed