‘Cover girl’ dreams of Karl’s overhaul
It's that special time of year where the season changes and we all go down to Bondi and immediately feel terrible about ourselves so sign up to 24-hour gyms because we need to be attached to an elliptical for literally 24 hours.
Bare bodies are everywhere. They're all anyone can talk about.
Even Karl Stefanovic is on the Michelle Bridges 12WBT. Well, not that program specifically. Is he doing F45 or HIIT? Maybe TRX. I don't know. Exercise has become so confusing. The names of programs are just a series of random numbers and letters jumbled together and for some reason you need an internet subscription to take part.
But Karl is on board and, one month out from his luxury wedding to Jasmine Yarbrough in Mexico, he's focusing on good health and good vibes.
"I was told a little while ago by a doctor I needed to make some changes to my physical health. It's been tough. I was fatter than I thought. Ha," he wrote on Instagram this week alongside a gritty yet stylish photo of himself doing curls in the gym. "It's been really positive. For anyone out there, I truly believe it's never too late."
Inspiring stuff. But something smells funny. And it's not just the gross communal yoga mat we're lying on.
It seems Karl's body transformation could be just the latest stage of his brand overhaul. Tasked with the physical evolution of Australia's highest paid TV host is carb-fighting husband-and-wife duo Chief Brabon and Emilie Brabon-Hames.
They're the same team responsible for transforming Larry Emdur, Osher Gunsberg, Guy Sebastian and James Stewart into Hemsworths. Coincidentally, the big bulk-ups of these boys also coincided with stripped-down and highly publicised appearances on the cover of Men's Health - the magazine where Chief Brabon holds the role of Fitness Director.
Prepare to see Karl getting all easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl in about eight to 12 weeks. We totally don't blame him. Everyone wants to be a cover girl. And with the upcoming wedding in Mexico, he probably wants to feel confident in a sarong.
But it comes at a price. His team probably thought this new image would lift Karl's popularity and save Today's declining ratings. But BodyPump Karl isn't who we want.
The reason we loved Karl in the first place is because he had a dad bod. He was relatable and we didn't feel guilty watching him in the mornings while sitting on the couch in a wet towel eating half a loaf of white bread.
Fitspo Karl can't deliver searing editorials about the Bunnings sausage sizzle crisis that gripped the nation this week. Instead, we'll be blasted with infomercials about green juice and yogalates and protein shakes that solidify into a rubber ball in your stomach to make you feel fuller for longer.
The contrast of Karl's boyish charm to Georgie's refined elegance will be completely thrown off by such a drastic transformation - and maybe inverted. Perhaps Karl's overhaul will make him the refined half of the duo, and Georgie will be relegated to the role of goofball who does editorials about food and streaks across the set the morning after the Logies.
Her tousled lob is not ready for such stunts.
Or maybe this body evolution will spur on a complete life change for Karl - one that sees him become so obsessed with exercise he tosses in showbiz. He'll invent his own online exercise program with a weird name made up of jumbled letters: The KS-12-LGBTQ.
Endorphins make you do crazy things.
THE POWER OF SINGLE-USE BIKINIS
Sydney's a contradictory dame. Despite her own colourful past, she's so quick to raise an eyebrow.
Emily Ratatatatajksjksjksi has been running around our beaches this week, shocking eastern suburbs families and looking fabulous in her own brand of racy bikinis.
These swimsuits are honestly spectacular. For something so barely-there, they're also strangely elaborate. It's like they're made out of the one piece of string that has just been casually twirled around her body.
I assume the bikinis are also single-use because, once you take it off after the beach, it will have tangled up into a very small knot that can't be undone.
We'd all be running around in these single-use bikinis if we looked like Emily Ratatatatajksjksjksi. She's the kind of person whose picture you print out and hold up to your personal trainer while saying one word: "This".
When the 27-year-old model accepted an award at the GQ Men Of The Year Awards this week, she delivered a compelling message about 2018 being the year of the bikini.
"It's about wearing a string bikini on the beach, and at a protest. I don't think that any of us have to limit ourselves into a box, or the perception that anyone tries to force on you," she said.
Of course, some people rolled their eyes at the statement. But her idea is pure genius.
If us regular people started wearing these bikinis while we protested, all our demands would be swiftly met under the condition we put on a very thick tracksuit.
Emily Ratatatatajksjksjksi is absolutely onto something.
Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir