If a boob doesn’t get dissed, is it even an episode of MAFS?
If a boob doesn’t get dissed, is it even an episode of MAFS?

MAFS wife rocked by husband’s boob diss

A husband disses his wife's boobs while another informs his missus he probably wouldn't be attracted to her in the real world before someone throws a tantrum at an RSL carpark in what really is just a regular Thursday evening on Married At First Sight.

We're dragged along on the honeymoons and, because of coronavirus restrictions, international trips are off the table, which means the couples are only allowed to tarnish the reputations of local resorts and spas.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here

JAMES WEIR RECAPS: MAFS episode 3

It's at that point in the series where everything's new and fresh and the couples think they've found their perfect match. They have no idea that, in a matter of days, their toothbrushes could be used to secretly scrub toilets on national television. Our hearts flutter just imagining the vengeful acts that could unfold as we watch these romantic fairytales bloom and rot.

"We had sex. We connect really well, sexually," brags the self-described hot teacher.

Ugh, save it for the Healthy Harold van.

Four nights in and, according to the MAFS rule book, it's about time someone got body shamed. In fact, we might actually be behind schedule with this. Producers wheel in the Sledge Box to kick things into gear.

Pilates instructor Coco pulls a question out of the box for Sam: Why did his last relationship end?

"She didn't have features that I really desire - which is a female with a bit of curve. I like a girl who has a curvaceous body. Like, a bum. Boobs. And she didn't have that," he muses.

"It's frustrating for me because … I need a girl with boobs. And it's like … not everyone has big boobs. So it's very frustrating."

Wow, that must be so hard for you, Samuel. It's brave of you to share that harrowing tale with us. You should start a charity or an online support group or something.

Coco, do you have anything to say for yourself? We assume you'd like to apologise to your husband for doing pilates all these years and selfishly eradicating any potential curves.

"Does the fact I got a body like a hotdog matter?" she asks.

Sam shrugs. But he's not a complete sasshole, and he knows exactly what to tell his self-conscious wife.

"Well … you've got curves in other places," he shrugs.

This is the least animated we’ve ever seen Coco.
This is the least animated we’ve ever seen Coco.

Up at some mud hut resort on the coast, Cameron and single-mum Samantha are loving life. They have a meaningful conversation where they both realise they'd like kids together and are on the same page about what family life could look like for them. Wrapped up in how perfect the romance seems, they race back to their motel room to have sex in their twin-share beds.

"He is … everything I've ever dreamed of," Samantha gushes to us the following morning at the breakfast buffet cereal station.

We giggle, because we know this kind of positive build-up only ends in disaster. Almost on cue, the producers bring in the Sledge Box and Samantha reads out the first question: Am I your usual type?

Annnd in 5, 4, 3, 2 …

"No. No you're not my type," Cameron replies without hesitation. "I'm an active person. I go to the gym a lot. I envisioned myself with someone who's like-minded."

By the grumpy look on Samantha's face, we're guessing she doesn't have a Fitness First swipe card in her wallet.

Dating active people is legitimately the worst.
Dating active people is legitimately the worst.

"I'll definitely never ever do that," she snaps, dashing his dreams of having a relationship where they both spot each other on the squat racks.

We're with Samantha. Couples who gym together are annoying and always act so smug.

Cam's answer has hit a nerve and he should move on to the next question in the Sledge Box. But he's not quite done. As we saw with boob-man Sam earlier, the guys on this show don't quite know when to lie and shut up. And really, that's all any of us are looking for in a partner. Someone who lies to us then shuts up so we can keep watching Bridgerton alone.

"You'd be someone who I'd approach but you wouldn't be someone I normally date. But I came into this with an open mind," Cam adds, in an attempt to soften the blow.

This sets off Samantha. "You didn't come into this with an open mind! You didn't think you'd be matched with someone like me, physically. I don't go to the gym and I'm not a fitness fanatic!"

Cam senses the upset and changes tack to calm his wife. He leans across the table, takes her by the hand and stares into her eyes.

"What I've been matched with is not someone I'd normally go for," he bluntly reiterates and she shoots up from her seat before marching off.

Not content with just two offensive husbands, we run down to Jo and James on the beach to see if we can get a trifecta.

They're riding horses and we arrive just in time to see Jo throw a tantrum while James offers condescending feedback.

"You're actually putting me off," he rouses on her. "You're becoming hard work. You're becoming a bit of a sourpuss."

And you, sir, are being a sasshole.

"I'm not her teacher, I'm not her coach, I'm not her life guru!" he fumes and we have instant PTSD flashbacks to a few years ago when Heidi told her boring government housing story and her husband Mike yelled: "I'm not ya therapist!".

Even with hindsight, that government housing story is still very boring.

Satisfied with our trifecta, we call RSPCA and report that horses are being humiliated on this show against their will.

No animal should ever be forced to go on this show.
No animal should ever be forced to go on this show.

Then we head to the local RSL where we've invited Samantha and Cameron so we can see them fight about Body Pump classes again.

We arrive just in time to hear him saying he doesn't feel an emotional connection and her yelling back that she'd never have slept with him if she knew that.

"How do you sleep with somebody if you don't have an emotional connection with them?" she scrunches her face in frustration. "There's definitely a few things that bother me about you."

Again, Cam's an intuitive guy and attempts to take a different tact. He moves his beer to the side and uses his palm to wipe the puddle of condensation off the table as he looks up at the ceiling and considers his words carefully.

"I said you're not my normal type. You're not. I'm not gonna lie about that!" he blurts so everyone in the bar can hear.

Samantha looks winded - like she has just been forced against her will to endure a spin class. "I don't know how you go and say that after you've slept with somebody!"

The sound of pokie machines pings and blips in the background as this dream couple scream louder.

"I can have intimacy with someone I don't have an emotional connection with!" he informs her.

"Well you have to understand that's a one-night stand!" she fires back.

He takes one last sip of his beer and jumps off the bar stool. "Let's go, I'm done. F**king over it," he trudges into the carpark as both declare the relationship done even though we know it's not.

Meanwhile, The Sasshole strips down to a racy bikini that's so revealing we almost see her sassho-

OK. We're done.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Really, we’re done.
Really, we’re done.

 

 

Originally published as MAFS wife rocked by husband's boob diss