POLLIE TICKLED: Every election prompts new terms
New words for political situations call for a new dictionary. Here is one page from it:
Bravefacing: After every election there is a humble-seeming person who didn't lose, they came second.
In Queensland it was Tim Nicholls. Pauline Hanson picked up a special mention.
Each warned Labor that there was a message there from the electorate. And missed their own lesson.
Poll illusion: A mirage-like effect where you see all the way to you leading government.
Think Brexit, Hillary Clinton and One Nation in WA and again in Queensland this year.
Premature adulation: Caused by Poll illusion. Hillary, Pauline, the Greens taking Jackie Trad's seat.
When positive feelings come over you in a rush, this could be why. Getting ecstatic too early can leave you a bit limp later.
Electile difficulties: When you just can't get your candidates up.
No matter how many blue pills you swallow, all you can see is Orange or Greens.
Campaign bust: What happens when the wheels on the bus don't go round.
Chance to hold up a couple of engine bits to look like you can fix anything.
Works for smaller parties - big parties can afford buses with excellent maintenance.
Katterfusion: The ability to bring seemingly unconnected items together in one sentence with not the slightest nod to sanity.
Talk about same-sex marriage then switch to people being eaten by crocs.
Do not try for smoothness. The rougher the transition, the better the effect.
One Opinion: Mine. The only one that counts. I'm changing the name of my party to reflect that and making it more friendly by dropping the surname.
Pauline's One Opinion Party sums it up.
Party dumper: MP who quits party after the election. Some almost immediately.
Others stick around until One Opinion drives them to walk the plank.
Spot fires: Give interviewers no chance to put out one spot fire before you start another.
Any MP on a live broadcast must master this.
When they ask about A, answer, "I'm glad you asked about A because I think we have a far greater problem in the form of B and sometimes the worst problem is in fact C."
The host will now politely ask what you think of C, since you raised it.
You can skip straight to D, then E then F before you let them try again.
Unlike the alphabet, your party creates hundreds of problems to divert to instead of answering the original question that I've now forgotten.
"Oh, we're out of time. Thank you for joining me here in the studio..."
Nay palm: Way to light big fires. Preferably use sparingly - no more than two or three big fires at once. Make them enduring. Make them divisive.
Make them vilify one segment of humanity. That brings out the trolls and you can sail on, quaffing champagne with the big end of town.
Examples include same-sex marriage, boat people and the Northern Territory intervention.
Nay palm gets the other side of politics squabbling over that instead of highlighting government failings.
Pollie Tickled is a satirical column.