Thanks for the memories Lizzie. Picture: Channel 9
Thanks for the memories Lizzie. Picture: Channel 9

Shocking cost of your MAFS addiction

WE have a finite amount of time on this planet.

There are only so many rotations of the earth around the sun and still, many of us have chosen to spend some of those precious moments watching Ines ask 'Would you root me?' on Married At First Sight.

A television show that has no right to exist and yet … here we are. And by the time the finale wraps up next week, there will have been 3360 minutes, or 60.5 long hours of this. That is two-and-a-half precious days of our lives.

Ahh, young love. Picture: Channel 9
Ahh, young love. Picture: Channel 9

I love trash TV. I don't know why. I have no idea how this has happened but I quickly went from never watching The Bachelor to finding myself watching all the old seasons in the bath at 2am.

And now here we all are, close to having sunk 60.5 hours into a show we profess to not even really like that much.

Think of all the things you could do with those hours that you wasted watching all of those very full lips open and close, saying absolutely nothing at all.

I am always over booking myself. We are a generation of plan cancellers and over schedulers. Imagine having an extra 60 hours!

I could be learning Danish! I could be two months into a Danish course where I do Danish every day for a whole hour. I could learn so much Danish that I could watch the original MAFS and understand it.

I could have done two month-long every day yoga challenges. I could have blow-dried my hair every day. I could have actually taken my makeup off before bed (just kidding, that's for suckers).

Oh Jessika, lowering our IQs four nights a week. Picture: Channel 9
Oh Jessika, lowering our IQs four nights a week. Picture: Channel 9

Imagine if, instead of watching people who met 45 seconds ago refer to each other as husband and wife, or watching grown women scream at each other, or "experts" explain to muppets why sometimes people's feelings get hurt, I meditated.

I could learn to bake a pie. I could Marie Kondo my whole house and I should because this show does not spark joy, baby.

This is me, pledging to you, to spend 60.5 hours doing something - anything - else. I am going to do yoga every single day for 60 days and see if I still have the urge to set fire to the TV. Will report back folks. Namaste.


Michelle Brasier is a comedian and freelance writer. Continue the conversation @michellebrasier